growing (slowly)

10 May 2008 1122
~some mall in Berlin~

Prague was very good. Martin was an amaying host with great generosity and a nice pad. Prague as a city was cool. The architecture was cool--but the pace was probably better. Perhaps that is why Munich and Berlin have felt worse/less desireable--too quickly running around...

My other thought is that it is spiritual--2 weeks of great rest and great time with Jesus in retreat have their cost. I think too (with respect to wasted money) there is a pride issue. I want to do this trip well, and am frustrated when I don't achieve/experience the results I want. Control. If I learn from Benner, and perhaps Sienkiewicz, it is that God is in control, and I can park/rest my lack of greatness in him...It is otherwise certainly ruining my trip. Is it only that? Is it merely the decision to lay down my pride and rest in the embrace of Christ--who cares not whether I "perform" well or not? I think so in part. I am mediocre by nature/discipline, and the feigning of greatness/perfection will certainly ruin me...

It continues to be a war of identity. Where will I find security? If I search long to myself, I will come up dry--as all men before me. If I give it up--all its power is stolen.

I was asking Jesus his lesson plan this morning at 5 when loud snores woke me. I thought the answer jealousy, and do still in part...but perhaps more it is all this lesson--that I forget not my source of true peace. That freedom is not gained through perfection; rather, it is gained when the whole system is forsaken.

Is freedom an illusion-a false goal? Are people really born bound to a system that diverts their affections to things which take life rather than give it? Am I the only one who wades in the shallows of these thoughts unable to fully swim and unable to rest fully on the shore?

For now the verdict is that a battle for my attention is taking place, and I certainly am not interested in giving it over and again to circular musing about my %?$# performance!

Control is okay--so long as it is about the correct business: that of choosing to live, not responding with alarm to all my insufficiencies. That of stopping to listen to the voice of acceptance for who I am, not to the voice of condemnation for who I should be. Man. That of being, and not that of drifting along with wherever the current chooses to take me.

This lesson will be long-learned...correct it and shape it and administer it Jesus. Thanks for love and not wrath--you do know how to teach. 18:1.


further thoughts...

*i felt a lot better after this time of thinking the other day.
*check out shane and shane's ''embracing accusation.'' the lyrics/message will rock you.
*Paul nails this discussion in Galatians (also the source of inspiration for Shanes' song)
*I cannot commend to you enough Benner's ''Surrender to Love''